Shadow or Shade - What is Your Self-Compassion

Over the weekend I was driving home from the Embodied Presence programme I have been taking part in since last November. The moon was clear, full, and incredibly bright. It was a fascinating thing to look at, now that we are through the autumn equinox and heading into the darkest part of the year, a time when we start to hibernate and ready ourselves for winter. It was the Harvest Moon, the full moon that falls closest to the equinox, which rises soon after sunset for several nights in a row and once gave farmers the light to work on into the evening. There is something fitting about the moon that lights the gathering in also being the one that marks our turn towards the dark.

A full moon signifies completion, yet that brightness also carries a sense of wonder and hope for what is still ahead. ("Somewhere Out There" from An American Tail, anyone?) What I want to talk about, though, is what lurks in our own darkness, whether that is regret, fear or doubt. Stepping into our own brightness can be the very thing we fear most, for fear we will be ridiculed, or doubt that we know what we are doing, and on and on the negatives go.

Years ago, when I was doing 5Rhythms dancing, which is the inspiration behind the programme I am now part of, we looked at our shadow self: how it shows up in how we live, how we move, and how we think. The shadow self is usually associated with the dark parts of who we are, and our language carries that. "They are shady." "They are a shadow of their former self." "Afraid of their own shadow" describes someone living scared of others. "In someone else's shadow" describes someone afraid to step into their own light. Every one of them treats shade and shadow as the negative of ourselves.

Yet shade can give relief from a sun that is too hot. And what if our shadow is in fact the keeper of our memories, rather than the darkness that keeps us trapped?

So when you consider whether you are in the shade for relief, or in the shadow and yet to step into the light, how is that reflected in the way you are living?

Let me explain.

Shade

For the past four years I have been growing an oak tree from an acorn. I brought it to the previous module of Embodied Presence, as I was part of the team responsible for creating a visual for the theme of stepping into new habits. It stood tall in glorious green leaf, admired by all. Over the weekend I cut it right back to the base.

It had been a vibrant, healthy sapling. Over the summer I moved it out of the shade of the side of the house and into full sun in the garden, wanting to trial the spot where I planned to plant it out for its permanent home. Oh, what a mistake. Sitting in a large pot in direct heat, its roots had no protection, and almost overnight the leaves turned from green to brown. The trunk still held life, but over the following weeks it became clear it would not recover.

Then, the other day, I noticed new growth pushing up from the base. The life force had been there all along, and now it was finding its way out in a new shoot. So I finally admitted there was no potential left in the old sapling, cut away the dead weight, and began again with the new shoot to nurture into the strong, tall oak it will hopefully become.

It is not lost on me how closely this mirrors my own recent years. I have stood in the shade of others as if they knew more, or had their lives more together, and I should simply follow their lead. Yet they have their own insecurities and fears too, which left me wondering why I was avoiding facing and resolving my own while living at the level of theirs. What I recognise now is that it was self-doubt, the fear that if I stepped into my own light I would get it wrong. So over recent years I have also been cutting back what no longer belongs in my life, letting go of what no longer holds value, so that what is alive in me has room to grow.

Though the tree taught me something I had not expected. The light I was so eager to give it was the very thing that scorched it. There is a fine line between standing in your own light to shine and being scorched by jumping in with abandon. Growth does not come from forcing ourselves into the brightest spot available. It comes from tending the roots first, and letting the strength build before the exposure.

Shadows

I recently read Haruki Murakami's novel The City and Its Uncertain Walls. In it, anyone who wants to enter the walled city must part with their shadow at the gate. The shadow can survive alone for a while, but without the person it came from it weakens and dies. The one who walks through the gate goes on without it, and their memories go with it. They live in an endless present, with no history to shape who they now are, only ever part of themselves.

It resonated because I talk so easily about shedding, letting go and moving on. But there is a difference between cutting away dead weight, holding on to what we regret and calling it our shadow, and cutting away the part of us that carries our history. The first clears space. The second keeps us tied to something we have never properly looked at. The third leaves us lighter and lesser, separated from where we came from and from what has shaped who we are now.

Tending the Roots

The theme for this module of Embodied Presence was Compassion, with a particular focus on self-compassion, and a line was read out to us that has stayed with me: when I care for myself, I teach others how to treat me.

This past week my mother was in hospital due to a suspected TIA, a mini-stroke. A few days of tests and observation, all seemed fine, and she made a full recovery. While she was being cared for in hospital by the wonderful staff, I was caring for my father, who lives with vascular dementia. Juggling the needs of both had me in the zone of crisis management, and by the time my mum came home I felt frazzled. I realised that while I am good at getting plans in place, I am so used to hunkering down and taking care of the immediacy of an issue that I often forget to avail of support at the time, and tend to wait until the busyness calms when I’m depleted before reaching out. So that is my self-compassion habit to develop.

What is yours?

Over recent months I have been brought into several conflicts which were draining, but which helped me realise what is important to me and for me. I recognise the need to honour my own boundaries, so getting clarity on what is right for me took priority. Alongside that I am continuing my UCD Professional Diploma in Dispute Resolution and Mediation. The same thing surfaces again and again. We get caught up in other people's dramas without being sure of the part we play in enabling or contributing to them. We do not always truly understand our own wants and needs, and we avoid holding ourselves properly accountable for our own contribution to a situation.

So I invite you to consider this when focusing on your own advance planning and your own legacy. What conversations are you avoiding? What is left unsaid or undone? Reflect on anything sitting on your shoulders as a dead weight, whether it is your issue or one you have played a part in creating:

• What is the reality of the situation?
• What part have you played?
• What part have others played?
• Where is the disconnect?
• What support would help you resolve it?

What's at the Root?

Some of what we carry is dead wood, and cutting it back is a relief. Some of it is our shadow, and that asks to be understood rather than severed. And some of it is not weight at all but shade: sometimes the shade we genuinely need, and sometimes the habit of standing in someone else's, or perhaps even in their shadow.

So it is worth holding all of it in mind. The shade that brings us relief can also be what keeps us out of the light, and the light we rush towards can be the very thing that scorches us. Our shadow may hold a history we would rather forget, yet it is also our memory keeper, and perhaps closer to our essence than we allow. The question is not how to be rid of it, but how to treat it: not as the darkness we carry, but as the part of us that holds where we have been.

As I develop the Legacy Building programme, this is exactly what I want to keep at the centre: getting clarity on who we each are to and for ourselves, so that what matters to us now can clarify our wants and needs as we age and as we come to our inevitable end, and so that life can be fully lived in the meantime. That way we can step into our own light while still honouring what helped us become who we are.

Where to Start

Why not begin by looking at what matters for you, and give yourself the peace of mind that comes from having your advance plans in place?

Sign up to the waitlist for the upcoming Legacy Building programme, starting in November: www.livinglegacy.ie/legacyprogrammewaitinglist

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